Is Discernment Counseling Right for You?

Discernment Counseling is a specialized approach for couples in which one partner is “leaning out” of the relationship and uncertain whether traditional marriage counseling would help, while the other partner is “leaning in” and interested in rebuilding the marriage.

What to Expect

This process helps you decide whether to take time to gain more clarity before making a decision, move toward divorce, or work toward  restoring your marriage by committing to 6 months of couples counseling with divorce off the table.

The goal is to help you gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.

The purpose is not to solve your marital problems, but to determine whether they are solvable. Each partner is treated with compassion and respect, regardless of how they are feeling about the marriage. There are no “good” or “bad” partners in this process.

How It Works

Discernment Counseling is a structured, short-term process designed to help couples gain clarity about the future of their relationship.

Sessions begin with both partners together, but much of the work takes place in individual conversations. This allows each person the space to reflect openly, especially when partners may be in very different places in their thinking about the relationship.

This process respects each partner’s perspective. Space is created to understand what has happened in the relationship, what has led to the current situation, and whether there is a path forward.

The emphasis is to help each partner gain a clearer understanding of their own role in the relationship, as well as the possibilities for change. This insight can be valuable regardless of the direction ultimately chosen.

Structure of Sessions

Discernment Counseling is a brief process, typically lasting between 1-5 sessions.

The first session is approximately two hours in length, with subsequent sessions ranging from 90 minutes to two hours.

Scheduling is flexible and can range from weekly meetings to sessions held as needed. The frequency and duration will vary depending on the pace of the process and periods of decision-making.

How Individual Conversations Are Shared 

In Discernment Counseling, individual conversations are an important part of the process and are not fully shared with the other partner. What is discussed privately is held with care and discretion, and only a thoughtful summary is brought back into the joint conversation. 

Each partner is supported in sharing key reflections or insights from their individual time; typically focused on their own understanding, realizations, or contributions, rather than a detailed account of everything discussed. 

This approach allows for honest reflection in private while still promoting transparency and meaningful communication between partners. 

In Person or Telehealth

Discernment Counseling can be conducted either in person or via telehealth. Because much of the work takes place in individual conversations with each partner, telehealth is often the most convenient and effective option. Sessions begin with both partners together, followed by individual conversations that allow each person the space to reflect openly. The couple then comes back together to share a summary of these conversations and begin identifying their own personal agenda for change. This structure translates well to a virtual format, offering flexibility without compromising the depth or effectiveness of the process.

When Discernment Counseling May Not Be Appropriate

• One partner has already made a final decision to divorce
• One partner is being pressured or coerced to participate
• There is a concern about domestic violence